How do you FEEL about health?
FEEL about health? What the what?
What do you feel about your heath? We are creatures of feelings and emotion drives our actions. How we feel, and think, is the basis of what we do. One day, for fun, I am going to list all the decisions I have made based on impulse, driven by emotions as a reflective exercise!
Can you imagine?
All the things we have purchased, the people we have connected with, dated, even married, the choices of career, your home, all based on how we felt at that moment. What a journal entry that would be!
I am pondering the changing emotions attached to my personal vision of health as I pass into my 50's. Along with this thought process, is the reflection on all the actions I have taken in trying to align with my own emotion of health. My vision has had a war with my actions. When my vision starts turning perfectionistic, my actions reflect that.
Being 50-plus, I strive for feelings of energy, vitality, freedom, lightness of soul, and buoyancy. The visual includes being free of disease, complete with emotional stability and absolute ease of movement, in this body I have been gifted, for this long.
Through my 20's, 30's and 40's, I clung to the vision of a certain size of jeans, coupled with glowing skin, and the feeling beauty. Is beauty not a feeling?
My feeling was attached to the visual of what I looked like. Everything would be ab-fab (including those abs), and my career, partner, and everything else would be so sparkly and shiny, well, l + you would have to wear shades, (Chanel?) to boot!
I attained that vision, more than once, (the last time was in my 40's) before I got really, really sick. I just didn't know it. I think this is just nostalgia talking, because I have taken for granted what was in front of me, whether it was a relationship, or my body.
Some times we have arrived at our picture of health "destinations" without even recognizing it. That's what comparison-itis does for us. The closer I got to this vision, the more obsessive I got. My life was taken over by mirror checking, scale hopping and worrying. Constant thinking about food, and how much I ate, what I ate, and fitting in the work (workout) I would have to put in, to get to the WHEN part of the the vision being realized, blinded me from seeing that the vision was, although attainable, for me, UNSUSTAINABLE.
I enjoy working out, and moving in general. I truly do. It is my mood elevator. I just do not enjoy my SHOULD talk, that person on my shoulder (with the help of a coach, I named him George) that made me feel like I was a failure when I skipped the gym.
I remember being out on the lake one weekend and one woman looking at me and asking if I could just eat a potato chip already. The rigidity of my thinking hit me. This was such insight into how we as women feel around other women. I never asked her about her statement because of my absolute embarrassment. I can't remember what I thought about it. Maybe I egotistically thought she was uncomfortable around someone who seemed to have "gotten there" or who had control or whatever you want to call it, around achieving this BS vision.
Maybe she was just disgusted in the woman I was, and thought I was completely ridiculous for not enjoying a few chips because that wasn't how she was living her life, and she wanted to help me.
I will never know. I won't forget that day, though.
In my vision and effort to create a "look" of "health" I was being human, and just looking to belong, somewhere. Belonging is part of the human condition.
In my 50's, I am thinking of joining a different club.